I was asked to write a guest piece for Spark this week and reposted here. As we all work to manage through the changing cycle, I keep hearing from friends, entrepreneurs, and clients that they are struggling with their identities, their purpose/focus, and feeling like they are enough and doing enough. The answer is learning to get Small to do Big Things.

We are in a world that celebrates BIG…big wins, big personalities, big challenges, big backgrounds & personal stories, big bank accounts. It caters to the needs of ego, which is constantly hungry for recognition and to silence that voice inside that we all have: “You are not enough; you do not have enough.” This is called the Hedonic treadmill…” I will happen when…”. I’ll be happy when I get the promotion, the new car, the new relationship, the new dress, the new body, and so on. However, as we all know, we enjoy the “new” briefly and then back to dissatisfaction. I’m not going to write about the evils of big or wealth or ambition (I’m a fan of all) but rather about the importance and role of SMALL.

“Because he is content with himself,
he doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because he accepts himself,
the whole world accepts him.”
        – Lao-tzu, Tao te Ching

Paradoxically, the more we focus on the BIG, the more likely we will fail to achieve or even start the Big Things. We make them so complex and even so daunting that it becomes difficult to find the motivation or drive to start (overwhelm, imposter, etc). Conversely, sometimes we have success and let it go to our heads. Our ego gets BIG, thereby reducing our future success (arrogance, overconfidence, etc). Or, we find ourselves in a situation where we want to make ourselves appear BIG. This could be in a social setting, with friends, a work environment, or a date. We want others to know that we are enough (success, status, education, wealth, etc), and we peacock about these…sometimes moderately, sometimes excessively so. If only they knew how amazing & accomplished I am, they would approve, accept, love, or befriend me.

At our core, we all seek approval from and connection to others. This goes back to our early days seeking approval to fit into our family of origin. Do Not Get Kicked Out of the Tribe. One of the key drivers of discontent and depression is a feeling that we are not enough or don’t have enough. “Enough” is a subjective concept where we often move the goalposts further and further out…“I’ll be happy when”.  Add the “Imposter syndrome” and FOMO and this losing game of comparative living leads to despondence. We find ourselves stuck, unable to fully enjoy our good fortunes, connect with others, or make forward progress.

At the heart of all of this is EGO. Ego is never satisfied and always vigilant. Ego plays an important role in our drive, perseverance, etc. However, you need to master it. Unchecked, like Icarus flying too close to the sun, we fall. Also, to not fail or look bad, ego triggers fears and warnings that keep us from moving forward. Again, we find ourselves “stuck”, held prisoner by our own nervous system.

My coach, Phil Stutz, says that we need to Get Small to do Big Things.  Using HIPA (see below) combined with making continual Forward Progress through Micro-transactions leads to both happiness and success.

Having read hundreds of books on wisdom, philosophy and self-help, my living life hypothesis is that the magical way to be both successful and content is to architect our lives and personal philosophies to move towards Flow state (the “Zone of Optimal Functioning”). Most of you have likely heard of Csikszentmihályi, who became intrigued by elite artists who would get so lost in their work that they even disregarded their need for food, water, and sleep. You lose sense of time and, more importantly, the hard edges between you, others & your task all begin to dissolve. Your focus is so intense that self-doubt and inhibitions fade away. You’re not worried about failing or what others might think. You’re just completely absorbed in the task. Martin Seligman, who co-founded the Positive Psychology movement with him, calls it Flourishing.

Ego likes certainty and drives anxiety when we don’t have it. However, one of the universal life truths is that the future will always be opaque. As Steve Jobs said:

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” – Steve Jobs

Instead of demanding clarity around the path to the Big Thing, you have to focus on micro-transactions.  One way to get “unstuck” is to take small, continual actions toward your goal. Instead of pondering how all the pieces of a new firm will come together, just get up in the morning and get the URL on GoDaddy. Then hire a web developer and then… Each of these micro-transactions moves you forward and gives you clarity and feedback to guide your next step or move. You move your forward motion a touch to the left or to the right. You feed your intuition while also letting everyone around you know your intentions and direction so they can help. Also, these steps are so modest that they bypass triggering fear and the inevitable Self-sabotaging that follows.  Yes, you need to do intentional work like doing a strategic assessment of the market space (but even this, break into pieces). You have to have an informed opinion and core hypothesis on why this direction and why it will work.

Speed is a Force. If you want or need to do something, take action quickly.  One way to make steady progress is to do one micro-transaction after another. The longer from idea to execution, the greater the chance you will lose momentum or get distracted. Consistent Forward progress. Try small experiments throughout the day. If you realize you need to do something, especially something that you likely will put off, see how quickly you can start it (like minutes). Note in a journal every time you do this. Soon, your identity begins to form in your mind that you are an action-biased (vs analysis paralysis) kind of person.

How do you keep your ego in check while you progress forward (or have setbacks)? Peacocking or talking up your accomplishments, not acknowledging others’ contributions, or any of the other dysfunctional manifestations of ego will achieve the opposite of your desired goal. Instead of connecting with others or gaining approval, you will push people away. Instead of learning from others and helping them feel seen, heard & valued, pontificating or talking at people kills curiosity, connection, and learning. You can never fill the hole of “being enough” this way.

Phil encourages us to focus on HIPA:

1. Humility: You need to disassociate from all of your successes and identities and refocus on your goals, on connecting to others, and on leaning into your growth edges. Focus on the end game and how you can be of service to others. When you Peacock, you push others away while defocusing on your task at hand. Can you sit with others as equals from a place of humility?
2. Ignorance: having a “beginner’s mind”, coming from a place of curiosity and humility, is essential for success and future progress and growth. It is hard for anyone to learn if they feel they already know everything. You have two ears and one mouth. You will learn nothing new if you pontificate…ask questions. Can you engage with others through questions from a place of ignorance (“I don’t know, what do you think?”), in which you are curious to learn the wisdom, experiences and perspectives of others?
3. Poverty: no matter how successful your past days have been, when you get up in the morning, o’clock goes back to zero. Success and growth are driven by constant effort that results in small improvement compounding over time. There is no better way to lose the gains and momentum from previous days than to get up in the morning and not apply yourself because of how impressive your past achievements or days have been. Can you reset your focus, motivation and drive each morning?
4. Anonymity: If you want connection and acceptance with another person, let them feel heard and seen. It is the most basic of human desires. Can you become so curious about others that you can hold an entire conversation in which they learn nearly nothing about you? Can you create a container with the other person that is focused solely on their feeling seen and heard?

So, these are just a couple of simple tools to use in your daily efforts to realize our dreams while also tightening our relationships with others. Remember, ego is a very useful partner in life. However, poorly managed, it handicaps us, fills us with fear and envy (not enough), and traps us inte. Use our current sta these tools as simple ways to get unstuck and start making specific Forward Progress.