Letting Go of Identity. Such a tricky and painful process during change. We hold onto the past, onto our old identity & reality and it drags us under the water like holding onto a log floating down the stream. The log has passed and no amount of clinging or wishing will change the reality of potentially drowning.
I’ll never forget how ungrounded and lost I felt 15 years ago. I went through a divorce, a job change, and a move at the same time. Ironically, I had also just come off of 5 years of strong venture exits resulting in becoming a “top 100” VC and I had exited all deals before 2008 hit. I “should” have felt confident and happy. Nonetheless, the apathy, anxiety & self-doubt crept into all facets of my life. This puzzled me given I always viewed myself as a resilient, mindful, and action-biased optimist. As I mentioned in Managing Life’s 8-10 Year Cycle, life has a rhythm to it. This will happen more often than we would want. Coming to terms with our shifting Identity(s) is a key part of thriving during these transitions. Otherwise, we will suffer as we cling to past versions of ourselves instead of embracing the new, improved and more empowered version we have actually become. One of my favorite quotes is from Joseph Campbell who lays out what happens if we don’t heed the call to adventure (our next cycle/chapter):
“We must be willing to get rid of
the life we’ve planned, so as to have
the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed
before the new one can come.
If we fix on the old, we get stuck.
When we hang onto any form,
we are in danger of putrefaction.
Hell is life drying up.”― Joseph Campbell
Identity is such an intriguing core to our personality. Our egos cling to a constant Identity and all the validations, relationships and behaviors linked to it. Who are we if we aren’t the consistent husband, mother, partner, quarterback, etc of the past 10+ years? How do we motivate ourselves? How do we find love or acceptance? How do we prove to ourselves & others that we are enough without this constant foundation & feedback? How can we buffer the winds of the new reality without our old harbor? What is going on is increasingly known thanks to ancient wisdom meeting modern science & research.
Identity (and sub-identities) are fluid despite our best wishes. There is nothing that is constant over time. Ego abhors this. It hates pain, uncertainty and effort. I spent a three day Buddhist retreat with 20 other people. We focused solely on what was constant in us. Spoiler alert: nothing. A core Buddhist tenant is that “Self” is a construct and doesn’t exist. Nevertheless, we cling to the old “constant” identity and suffer. One by one we went through elements:
- My Body is constant (nope, nearly all your cells in your body recycle over the course of a year)
- My Values are constant (nope, beliefs shift with experience. How we behave varies. Even if you are a “compassionate” person, good luck if someone aggressively hits your car during rush hour)
- My Emotions (nope, these cycle every 90 seconds or less)
- My Thoughts (nope, talk about a wild mustang on the plains)
- My Behavior (nope, despite my best New Years resolutions…)
We don’t appreciate that Identity being fluid is one of our greatest tools to thrive in life. We can architect how we show up and adopt the most empowering new identity. We can create a very specific master identity and sub-identities to show up as our highest selves. We become what we do. Aristotle said this 2300 years ago. Huberman, Dweck and thousands of researchers have conducted extensive studies. They have proven that our neuroplasticity is our greatest weapon to grow and thrive. Andrew Huberman emphasizes that identity is not static. It changes over time due to neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections based on social, emotional and environmental factors.
David Whyte poetically wrote the answer. “The key to getting out of the cycle and the rut that we often find ourselves then is to become sick of yourself and what you’re saying and who you’re saying it to and how you’re saying. Throw yourself away and shed the skin. As Nietzsche said, the snake that does not shed its skin must die.” This skin is the identity that you have wrapped yourself in which is slowly dying. It is turning you into an encased mummy unless you cut the skin off and let the butterfly loose.
Of course this is going to be painful. Of course, this is not easy to transition. Our daily routines are different. We feel the loss of the old so deeply & painfully. We regret decisions we made. Our social structures change. Our relationships transform, come and go. Our reward systems reset. Our power system and hierarchies are different. Old childhood patterns trigger and amplify. The familiar is now unfamiliar. Into this void creeps the impostor, self-judgment and less than helpful storytelling.
We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. – Thomas S. Monson
How do we do this when every morning we get up feeling the losses of old? How do we make room for the new when we are still full of the old? How do we shed the old when the new has not formed so it feels like an abyss? How do you embrace the new, independent lawyer, teacher or deal person? You no longer have the trappings of your old, established firm. The impostor is reminding you that you are nothing without this platform. How do you show up as a confident single woman, embracing the new adventures and love when you are heart-broken over the loss of your partner, your family structure, your home? How can you make room for another partner when the old ghosts roam? Guilt & regret plays the “remember when” and “if you only you had…” game. How do you become the confident worker? You have left the comfort and known systems & social structure of school. The ego whispers that you are going to fail at the new job. It tells you that you are not qualified for it.
Research & wisdom come to the rescue again. You simply “act as if” and take action. Until you start doing, you won’t trigger the neuro-plasticity to change your wiring. Aristotle said it, neuro-science has proven it and Tony Robbins has productized it. Behavior/action changes Your State changes Your Emotions…not the other way around. We wrongly think that we somehow need to change how we feel/emotion so we are motivated to take the actions (“I’ll do it when I feel.”). WE BECOME BY DOING. Let me say that again: We become by doing. One more time: We Become by Doing. The old cliche about “acting as if” ironically has been proven true. Our physiology triggers hormonal & other body systems that then move us into the state we are seeking. Slump your shoulders, tell negative stories and you will become sad and dejected. Stand erect, shoulders back, smile broadly and you will feel more confidence and energy. The more you play the part, the more your body & nervous system adopt it. Show up as a capable new employee, be curious, work hard and eventually you become that employee. Show up a loving, committed partner enough when your heart hurts and eventually you become that partner and the pain of the old fades. Show up as a top independent deal guy and eventually you become that independent deal person.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. – Aristotle
Letting Go of Identity. This is both simple and exceptionally difficult. Ego does not like change and our nervous system attaches to old ways & patterns. Want to feel anxiety, try driving in China versus your neighborhood. Want to feel fear & loss, jump into a new relationship post-divorce. Want to feel inadequate, change careers or firms. This is so complex that no one (including this post) has all of the answers.
But, here are some actions and changes to take to accelerate your transition. We all get through these shifts. We all end up in a better place if we allow the Universe to do its thing.
- Get Quiet: find opportunities to be by yourself or to get into nature or a favorite space, chair or room. Breath in for 4, out for 6 to calm your nervous system and Listen to what comes to you. Write it down…journaling (pen & paper old school) is so powerful. Life is calling you. In particular, feel when you are triggered, note where in your body you feel it, stay with it, ask when did this trigger/pattern first appear in your life, breath into it. Consider CBT or ACT Therapy
- Visualize: See yourself three years from now having the empowered, fulfilling experience that you want. Find role models, movies, songs, pictures that represent what this future looks like. Literally step into this version of you (into the body) in the movie/scene. What are you feeling in your body? What are you seeing? What new habits and behaviors are you doing? What are you saying? What are you experiencing? What are you believing about life? Who are you experiencing it with? Where?
- Let Go of Your Old Identity: Visualize your old self shedding or burning up. See yourself in your saddest, least empowered moment. Picture this image turning into color, your shell breaking open, your old self burning up. Stutz has an exercise “The Death Exercise”. You imagine yourself letting go of whatever you’re holding onto (relationship, identity, etc). Visualize yourself free falling into a sun below. You burn up (ego death). Literally throw yourself away. Feel yourself dissolve into the sun, symbolizing the surrender to something greater than yourself. After this dissolution, you look up and see the vastness of the universe. The universe is filled with countless other suns. You are part of something much larger.
- Change Your Framing: Amor Fati…don’t trust but rather know that the Universe/Life/God conspires to help you from a place of love. It flows through you…it doesn’t happen to you. Get curious about what growth, new adventure and empowered identity it is bringing you. Life saw-tooths upward.
- Create a New Storyline: We organize our lives through story. (MacAdams): Re-author a new coherent life story that lays out how the old self has continuously flowed into your new role. Describe your journey in chapters like a play or movie. Layout how you went into the dark forest, you faced your dragons and rose like a phoenix. Note how your old identity has transformed into your new identity. Describe the new powers, perspectives and wisdom that you have. Note how this makes you better, more capable, more open-hearted in relationship. You need to iterate on the new identity with increasing positive positioning, supporting facts…look for the red cars (positive) versus the black cars (negative).
- Take Action Now…BECOME: Step into the new identity or version of you. Pick one simple thing to start and one simple thing to stop to become this person. Layout simple habits, words or actions you can do to embody these in your daily life. Do the habit over & over again (see Phelp’s doorways below) until it is you.
- Take Small, Constant Actions. Change the words you use. Change the stories and interpretations you tell. Create Pinterest vision boards. We become what we habitually do. Create habits to do these repeatedly. Michael Phelps had to reprogram to address his deep depression post-2012 Olympics. At every doorway, he would say to himself, “I am enough” and “I love myself.” He would reframe poor practices and races as great teachers. They showed him how to improve instead of ripping himself to shreds as not enough. Actively seek out new groups that align with your evolving identity. This can foster a sense of belonging and purpose. Don’t suffer alone nor isolate yourself. We are social animals & tribal.
- Celebrate: Write down what you are grateful for. Write down & celebrate your wins (little or big). As you do these, reinforce the new identity…that’s like me, the guy/gal who… David Goggins, the Navy SEAL, collects his daily wins and puts them into his “Cookie Jar”. He can “reach into the jar” and pull out a reminder of what he’s capable of.
- Show epic self-compassion: Appreciate that it is hard, that it hurts but that you are heroic showing up in spite of this. See Phelps above…despite all his success, his harsh inner critic drove him into depression until he put positive, re-inforcing habits & words into his life along with positive stories & interpretations. Pretend you are talking to one of your children when talking to yourself.
So, a very simple summary to all of this (for the 4th time). WE BECOME BY DOING. Even if anxious or sad or uncertain, simply show up through small habits and actions to become the new you. When it works, celebrate and remind yourself this is who you are. Just like you can never step in the same river twice, you can’t step into the same Life twice. It moves on. I’ll close with one of my favorite Nike quotes. “When you were born to do something (or become something), JUST DO IT”